Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
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Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Not today. 😅
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Somebody’s lying.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
this isn’t threatening at all
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.