Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate
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Putting socks on my feet to keep me warm isn’t enough. I want them to come up to my shoulders
Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???