Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me

*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room

[whispers] “you said debriefing”

Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.

Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.

“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda

“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”

[first day as a snake charmer]

me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what

cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*

I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.

Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-

Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?

houseguest: is this a pull out couch

me: no we kind of just hope for the best

In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.

Taco Bell, Exit 22

😂😂

My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.

THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full

My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?

My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.

I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado

Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.

Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck

craps dealer: no soup at the table

Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)

6yo student: My grandma has that dress.

tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell

Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.

Me: is there anything on my face

Him: no you’re good

[15 minutes later]

Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair

Him: you didn’t ask about your hair

if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”

do u think theres a butter planet?