Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.

If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”

Great acting.. 😂

Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?

*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*

Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn

I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door

[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT

My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.

I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.

Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*

Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!

Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.

Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —

Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!

Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.

[Conditioning my hair in the shower]

Me: *rings bell*

My hair: *salivates*

I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.

Children really brighten up a home.

They never turn the lights off…

CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons

Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.

I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.

A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.

i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020

of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare

Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.

Joe: no please no more.

Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*

I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried

New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.

i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”

yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…

“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”

-Oh really? Why?

“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”

My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser

6: I’m hungry

Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now

6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?

Husband: Oh no