Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”

There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.

Friend: Does Jesus live in you?

Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.

[Intruder breaking into my house]

Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off

Him: Huh?

Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start

Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off

Me: *tightening karate belt* I know

I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.

I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.

[divorce court]

her: he was unfaithful

him: thats a lie!

judge: do you have proof?

her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me

him: judge, thats not being unfa-

judge: shut your cheating mouth!

I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington

I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.

As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.

THERAPIST: what’s wrong?

WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!

ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?

Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job

Me: Whats the salary?

10k now and will increase to 25k later

Me: Ok then, I will come later

When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.

If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.

I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.

Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries

jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had

editor: nice

jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.

editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?

jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc

[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.

[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.

Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.

this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray

Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.

I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.

Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.

when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.

Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?

Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate

If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.

So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌

My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.

Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.

God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.

I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.

TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?

*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*

Me: Yes.