Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok, but like, how married are you?

Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”

When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster

*me in a horror movie*

me: a knife? HA

killer: [pauses confused]

me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA

k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]

Me: Hey, do you want to –

My 13 Year Old: No.

My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”

getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point

I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.

Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.

The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.

The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.

The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.

My 12yo stole all the nice socks that I rightfully stole first from my mom.

The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.

me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”

*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*

Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.

“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”

Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.

Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”

The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.

can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets

I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!

I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.

(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school

[On the phone]

Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No.

Mission: Impossible

At least my masseuse has my back.

[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”

Alright…who left me unsupervised again?

My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.

foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao

My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.

The only equipped I am is ill.