Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet

SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!

– dogs

the top three reasons people break up:

-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types

Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*

Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.

I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot

Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.

Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.

Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”

Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.

*jogging*

Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up

Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*

Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?

Me: Yeah, so?

Him: There’s one small piece left.

Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.

For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.

If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”

Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.

just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant

Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking

Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..

Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.

Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?

Me: Cosmetic.

TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left

*2 Knights on a Quest*

Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?

Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.

Elgon: Ha! They always say that!

Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?

Elgon:

Gawain: Elgon?

Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*

The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.

I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.

DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth

ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening

Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.

Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants

Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE

Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi

Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.