Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
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If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Blew out my flip flop…
love it when they get my name right
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”