Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*

[20 minutes later]

me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us

[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*

Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road

I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors

Body by sandwich.

I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.

Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?

[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”

lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”

suspect: what?

lawyer: no further questions your honor

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.

[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]

My Financial Advisor:

Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget

Hmm, not sure about this change

bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”

[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop

technique

If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this

Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.

Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…

“Can you put it all in an email?”

Translations:

1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…

Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints

Mints: you have beautiful eyes

Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary

This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.

[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler

Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.

If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.

They’re trained for that.

If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.

Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.

If you need me, I’ll be in the closet

Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions

Therapist: I think you’re regressing

Me: *screams* am i?

Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card

Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!

Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?

Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?