Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
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Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.