Happy Star Wars day!
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Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.