Happy Taco Tuesday
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If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Kids, do not try this at home!
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.