Happy Taco Tuesday
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*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Talk about a bad egg
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin