Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
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Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
gm
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
What do you text your spouse?
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.