Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
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getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
We need to put an American base on the sun
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
you’re so productive for your wage
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL
*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*
4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
damn he’s good
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind