Happy thanksgiving!
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I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
My 7yo said that boys were bothering her at school so she yelled math problems at them until they went away.
I have mad respect for this strategy 🙌
I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*