Happy thanksgiving!
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If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
People say I’m an idiot for using superglue instead of bonjela, but I’m sticking to my gums.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.