Happy Thanksgiving
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It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
telling myself i’m too self aware for therapy as i repeat a pattern of behavior i’ve been trying to break since age 14
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
My time has come.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.