Happy thanksgiving
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My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.