Happy thanksgiving
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I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference