Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
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Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything