Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree

Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit

My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.

Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg

4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.

Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125

“single and ready to mingle”

thank you so much for the warning

oh u like geography? name every lake

waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument

me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember

me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work

captor: i don’t care

me: they get paid under the stable

captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma

I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.

[pulling my wife out of the sewer]

her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down

Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.

handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up

⛄️

Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.

There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter

~At a snowboarding store.

Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.

Me: i know

Him:…

Me: Wait, what, oh the board…

Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.

i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire

Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral

so logan paul and jake paul are different people?

*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*

[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?

*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that

The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.

Me: I’m making home made soup.

H: Nice, what’s in it?

Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.