Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.

When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.

That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.

I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”

And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.

A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.

The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”

The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.

“Can I help you?”

“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…

Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual

I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am

Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.

my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch

I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.

Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.

How is this not always the biggest story of the day?

Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year

My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Also my husband:

Me: *clears throat*

Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???

[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]

person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops

me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]

him: is that all you got

me: yeah inflation’s bad

Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life

COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?

ME: He seemed mad

[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.

If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.

broke down and did it

RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him

Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭

I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.

Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.

I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people

[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this

We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.

Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.

There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.

There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.

Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand

You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!