Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”

I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?

“It’s the most wonderful crime of the year!” I crooned running away with the pot of Santa’s donations.

Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.

Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol

[spelling bee]

“Your word is stupid”

ME: Well give me a different one then

“No, that’s your word…stupid”

ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one

It’s like my therapist always says, that’ll be $175

You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.

I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else

Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.

i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever

Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?

Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.

This is a genius move

The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.

5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?

Me: It does now.

Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?

One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.

My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.

[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him

I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.

I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.

*gets hungry*

*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*

*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*

Daughter:What’s a whore?

Me:Not now.

Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.

Me:You’re getting warm.

Daughter:Mom will know.

Me: You’re on fire!

Texas.

Where the vegan menu item is chicken.

Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.

Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.

June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok

My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.

Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.

millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND

He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.

Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.

[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers