Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?

I’ve disappointed better people.

American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.

British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.

Genie: you have three wishes.

Me: i want a million wishes.

Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!

[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]

“You see? She is both dead and al-”

“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”

I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.

Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass

Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations

When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.

Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.

Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store

I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.

Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.

The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses

Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.

After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”

Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?

Her: [Completely ignores me]

Me: Knew it!

I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.

ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not

Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”

Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.

Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..

Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.

Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.

*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*

😭😭😭

Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…

*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp

You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?

My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.

*me filing for unemployment*

Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours

Me: so you’re only open 4 hours

Unemployment Office: yes any other questions

Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office

Wait – my gym moved?

In 1997?

nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.

Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.

wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?