[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Cow: I mean – moo
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
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Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
What if the “g” in gif was silent.. What gif ?
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
“Will you be my boyfriend 🥺👉👈?”
Giant cheese wheel:
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.