@dumbbeezie

Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge

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@ChicksRule

[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo

@ThisOneSayz

Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.

@JerseyRambo

You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”

@ThugRaccoons

Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?

Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?

@TheToddWilliams

[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right

@LoveYoorFate

The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over

@jellybnbonanza

I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.

@sofarrsogud

My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.