Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?

Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*

(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)

ants: seize him

Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.

[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]

11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.

Me: What class is this for?

11: I haven’t started yet.

After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire

if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good

Me: hey, I like your tummy

Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets

Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant

Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?

Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕

Pac-Man: again?

Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one

“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”

ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.

BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?

The point of your 20s

There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.

[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla

I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.

Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.

[first day as a detective]

cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene

me: *under breath* birds

the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline

I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.

Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone

Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.

which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.

I’ll eat when I’m dead

– zombies

The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.

me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard

when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week

I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank

You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”

Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.