Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Principal: Your son is a gamer

[Parents are visibly shaken]

Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.

Parents: OH THANK GOD

How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.

Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.

*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*

Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?

@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!

Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:

When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?

I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer

My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.

Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10

If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys

justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner

mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah

me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com

Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.

[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.

if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy

Generation gap…

Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?

Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure

You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.

Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠

All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.

I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.

Me: You touched my heart.

Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL

The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.

Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.

Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.

Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.

A dog opens the front door.

Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.

“Hey, buddy. How was work?”

And the dog goes “RUFF.”

[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.

If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?

me: ever heard of quasimodo

him: doesn’t ring a bell

me: i assure you he does