Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
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Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
OMFG!
I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.
Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,
I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
socratic questions
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably