Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely

Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?

MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods

You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.

agent: *getting tortured* do your worst

villain: why would i do that

agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough

villain: i’m always doing my best

agent: i know. you’re doing great

villain: thanks

My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.

vampire waiter: would you like to order?

customer: I’ll have a steak

vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?

*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*

Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.

Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.

DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*

Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.

Waiter: would you like a water?

Me: ew, gross.

Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?

Me: tempting.

Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?

Me: [nods] indeed.

I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.

Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”

Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks

This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10

After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.

Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.

If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.

Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.

TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.

Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.

Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.

Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy

Never, ever shout FIRE in a crowded theatre. Shouting LION is much funnier.

Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.

*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*

Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.

Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.