Happy to report that I have finally digested all the stuffing I ate since Thursday. Now onto to the mashed potatoes
You Might Also Like
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
stretching isn’t enough I need to be able to disassemble my body like legos
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”