Happy to report that I have finally digested all the stuffing I ate since Thursday. Now onto to the mashed potatoes
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*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
The Most Popular Apps:
*Door Bash, the delivery app for face punches
*NapChat, the messenger app for sleepy time
*Robe Locks, the bathrobe security app
*Air B&E, the apartment sharing app for burglars
*Andy Crush, the app that tells Andrew Garfield if you think he’s cute
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.