Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid at the reference desk said “How should I decide what job I want to do when I grow up?”
I said “Find out if it makes you work on Saturdays and if it does, don’t do that.”
“Is that important?”
“Right this second it’s literally the most important thing.”
#saturdaylibrarian

WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea

I adopted a rock.

He just sits there and does nothing all day.

It still beats raising Kylo.

“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987

Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?

Me: my student loans

Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?

11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…

Me: Grounded.

I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.

People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.

people who do mutinies should be called mutants

Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week

[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*

GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.

ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?

HER: Yes. Yes it is.

[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?

[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me

Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA

Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.

i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have

Me: And for my third wish…

Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?

Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.

Are these fish:

A. A different species

B. The same species

C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related

7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]

Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic

Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.

Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.

People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?

Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.

– Dog Logic

You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.

A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.

My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.