happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths
You Might Also Like
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
it takes so much energy
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.