happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths
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No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over