Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
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Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Well, shit
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I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
#ProTip
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My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms