Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.

*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”

Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!

My wife: Yeah, like his dad

Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*

KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?

ME: no you may not

[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?

wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped

BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.

Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house

“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.

Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.

You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50

“I’m not that kind of girl.”

~That kind of girl

accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl

Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.

Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?

Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*

Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.

Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.

[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician

Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.

I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.

they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter

5yo: I made this for you.

Me: How nice! Um…what is it?

5yo: I was hoping you’d know.

orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang

i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one

My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.

Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”

Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food

I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like

I miss this era type of pranks😭

Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.

This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out