Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
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You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble