Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
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Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…
I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Meow?
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finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
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My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
✌️
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I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.