Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
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me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
My wife, to our therapist: “He always misunderstands simple questions.”
Therapist, to me: “What does she mean?”
Me: “It’s a feminine pronoun.”
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Husband of the year 😂
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
President The Rock Obama
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
No.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?
Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.