Happy weekend !
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“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.
He’s the Spokesman.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you
me: stop threatening me
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people