Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
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I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
worst…sale…ever
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.