Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.

I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.

I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.

boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA

[later]

cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary

You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.

i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest

today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.

Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar

i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes

whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him

No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case

If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.

Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
 
Him: don’t you mean desert?
 
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}

Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…

Aw beans

ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
　 O
　 　 　 O
　　 　　 o
　　　　　o
　　　　　 o
　　　　　o
　　　　 。
　　　 。
　　　.
　　　.
　　　 .
　　　　.
.

The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.

You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”

If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad

[me, being murdered] agree to disagree

Wife: how’s potty training been today?

Me: he peed twice!

Wife: that’s great!

Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.

So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?

I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up

ME *traps wasp under a cup*

MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*

ME: no

MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*

My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.

Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”

Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?

Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.