Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
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Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
i actually laughed 😩
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
I’m so glad the internet is like this now.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
how do i become a farmer do i apply somewhere or just like start digging
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.