Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.

My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse

It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.

Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..

Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it

I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks

Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.

I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.

Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what

I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.

Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather

to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of

No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.

Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?

Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped

Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then

“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM

facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*

Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood

Making friends was so much easier as a kid.

5: This is the smallest finger I have.

Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!

Both: (giggle)

Regular gangs give you a nickname

Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name

So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?

Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.

There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango

As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.

People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer

I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.

I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary

*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers

Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No

[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more

Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.