Hard not to take this personally
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Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month