Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
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I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
congratulations to them
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.