Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?

It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.

Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.

I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.

hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER

Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving

My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.

“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*

My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]

Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett

I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.

Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS

ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”

[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]

Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*

ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?

“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog

“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”

hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield

12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games

Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.

We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse

HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.

ME: So I guess this is goodbye.

I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”

I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.

My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now

Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.

proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask

me: no you can have them

*being born

my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT

I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.

At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.

Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”