Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot

Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.

Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.

Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out

the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me

ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK

Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.

Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?

I was on a search party in the forest last night.

Bit of a boring party.

We found a dead guy though.

Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.

Definitely a first.

It was pretty cool.

My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.

Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of Netflix

Me: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead

My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.

Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.

Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?

Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.

[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.

When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.

What do you want him to do?

Fry yam?

I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.

How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.

In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.

If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.

Legend of Tarzan 2:

Tarzan meets other primates.

He befriends them all.

He teaches them to fight.

It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.

Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow

Flock of geese

Murder of crows

Mistake of beers

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?

If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.

That’s probably where I’m selling it at.

people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there

Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.

Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.

Teacher: tell me what you told her.

Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.

*gazing up at stars*

Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?

Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper

{Text to boyfriend}

Meet me at our place.

Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot

Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart

just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me

I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic