Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.

HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family

cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume

me: is there a law against it?

cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession

She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.

so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her

Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.

“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.

Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it

-yard sale

British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭

Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.

M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.

Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.

The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.

ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.

Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.

I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.

Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.

Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.

This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.

It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president

It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.

Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me

Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then

Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.

Happy thanksgiving!

Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.

“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”

Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.