Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.

I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone

Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.

Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.

And they’re almost the same age.

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

i wish all

whales

a very

big

Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.

“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks

“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point

Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?

Good times.

Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.

Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”

Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”

Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.

Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.

one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries

Me: Im still mad at you for last night

Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous

I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.

ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.

My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.

My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today

Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.

It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.

Things I learned today:

1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch

We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa

If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.

Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.

Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.

shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”

God: you’re a seabird.

Puffin: can I fly?

God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?

Puffin: oh good.

God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?

Puffin: I know right? lol.

Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.

Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left

My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.