Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.

Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.

When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’

You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.

I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall

Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.

How to resolve a complaint from neighbours

Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT

Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.

I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.

“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.

I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle

I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.

I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.

Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.

Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?

Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.

her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?

schrödinger: yes and no

whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.

(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.

What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.

ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.

HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.

Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…

Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.

why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax

Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open

Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?

A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.