hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
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“HOW” – dyslexic owl
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.