hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
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“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
OKAY DAD
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.