Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
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Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Pizza is an emotion right?
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
🔦🌙👣
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”