Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find

KID: Dad?

DAD: Yes, son

KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?

DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-

KID: Never mind

I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….

That makes 7,427 days in a row.

me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]

Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.

Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing

*flash forward*

Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe

I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?

How does one answer this?

[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind

[first day as a getaway driver]

ME: how did I do

BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there

[on the way home]

Me: I have some tea to share with you

13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?

Me: no, tea as in like gossip

13: what, what brand is that?

When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.

no. that was two husbands ago. my great, great ex husband

Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal

Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal

Godzilla was the first house flipper.

My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.

Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.

Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.

Me: Jack.

Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.

Me: Jack

Him: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.

Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.

My daily affirmation

Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?

Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.

I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.

Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.

Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?

Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body

Disciples: ooh

Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood

Disciples: ahh

Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me

Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof

My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.