Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.

Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again

Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.

When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back

[high]

ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing

FRIEND: wait, u mean-

ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere

You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan

me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?

Dear Stephen Hawking,

You’re not the boss of us.

Sincerely,
hawks

The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.

My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.

just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf

I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.

Secret Panel HERE 🤘

What did one Christmas tree say to the other?

Lighten up!

#Christmas #RubbishJokes

All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.

if the bag is matte the chips are healthy

Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?

Mario Kart:

1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife

Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.

Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.

If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.

Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …

I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine

[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.

If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage

Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.

I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.

Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.

I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!

Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.