Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
You Might Also Like
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language