Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
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Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!