hardest line in real life
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*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Spoiler Alert: I was late
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog