hardest line in real life
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I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Breaking news:
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.