Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”

*thief runs by, steals gold*

“Hey! You!”

Au, got it. Next element.

This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️

I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.

New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.

Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.

Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…

3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisible

Why you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…

3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done

If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.

ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.

HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.

“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”

I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too

Violence is NOT the answer. The answer is *opens history book*

uh oh

*frantically starts flipping through pages*

uh oh. oh no. no no no. uh oh

Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?

Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off

I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.

6: I like your necklace

Me: Thank you

6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right

Me: Not if I disown you first

GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome

GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken

As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …

“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”

I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.

Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.

Computer: would you like to update?

Me: remind me tomorrow

[tomorrow]

Me: I did not see this coming

put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf

Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?

Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.

I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.

Me: you are laundry, stop talking

5 ways I am superior to a horse:

1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM

As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now

Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?

Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high

Me – I’m not in the mood to work today

My bank account – you better GET in the mood

*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*

Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!