“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
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[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
(yawn)
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!