“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
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“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
normalize having existential bread
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Roses are red
Violets are blue…