Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.

Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize

[In a cucumber submarine]

1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain

Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle

terminator: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: I said–

me: I’m thinking

Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.

I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”

Kidnapper: We have your wife.

Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!

my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”

anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine

if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”

STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today

Can’t. Being lazy.

Just remember, you can’t please everyone.

So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.

Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.

Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?

I AM the Illuminati.

My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.

Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.

January 2020: New year, new me.

May 2020: *primal scream*

In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.

Me: February probably.

Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-

Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*

Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message

i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?

I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.

Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.

I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.

take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty

It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.

I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.

If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.

her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list

me: *writes* ‘chicken’