Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’

Dear America

Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.

Many thanks

England

Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations

Him: Can I have your number?

Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.

Sober me: I hate drunk people

Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT

Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?

Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.

No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway

just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys

As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.

My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.

Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?

Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’

just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here

me: eat this food

baby: never

me: the food is now an airplane

baby: “never” was a strong word

“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games

[First day as pirate]

*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*

Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!

the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.

turns out he just wanted apple sauce

Date: I know a lot of dance styles

Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too

Date: Any ballroom?

Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit

Date: What

Me: What

Doctor: It doesn’t look good

Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet

Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste

thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house

i have never needed anything in my life more than this

Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.

I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean

Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.

Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.

American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.

Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.

American:

Brit:

American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT

that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute

i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please

Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.

*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?

-commercial for business cards