Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.

A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.

I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.

*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*

My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.

Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.

1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer

1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer

2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer

2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.

Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats

*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*

“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”

Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.

Family Celebrity

Me: You’re leaving me again?

Her: (packing)

Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?

Her: (walking downstairs)

Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?

Her: (opening door)

Me: Come on, one more chance!

Her: (car starting)

Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!

Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.

ME: sorry for the hold-up

TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?

ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian

*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?

~How my send button should function

Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?

Me: What a beautiful language…

Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs

Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold

A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends

Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough

I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.

Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.

These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid

“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”

“Sir, this is a cheese counter”

depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound

If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.

I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks

writer: you know how cats chase mice?

producer: yea?

writer: this one has a twist

producer: *leaning back* go on

writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat

producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!

writer: i call it tom & jerry

producer: *wiping tears* those are my names