[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
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A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
mom had nothing to worry about
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro