Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.

Therapist: Have you ever had a job?

Me: I once worked at a zoo

Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?

Me: Definitely not a penguin

Therapist: what

Me: what

*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”

Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.

“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.

If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.

ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you

PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist

King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!

*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.

This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.

Job interview with the NSA

Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!

“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.

The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?

Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else

Me: “I’ll drink to that!”

Them: “Nobody said anything.”

Me: “I’ll drink to that!”

I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.

Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.

I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it

Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise

Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper

Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.

Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.

[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend

I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.

I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.

[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]

some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]

Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one

Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!

You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.

Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?