[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
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*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Ironic
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak