[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
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I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.