Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”

You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?

My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.

Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.

Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.

Dog: *just lookin at me*

Me: go lay down

Dog: ok.

Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*

Me: *wincing* thank you

Cat: damn right thank you

#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.

“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”

-how vodka was born

The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999

If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.

[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!

If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.

never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).

when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost

Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection

I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.

My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.

In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.

You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?

Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.

Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?

The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.

When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.

Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”

Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”

Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*

HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?

Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now

New word: Biscgret.

Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.

“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”

What do we want?

“A TIME MACHINE.”

When do we want it?

whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time

Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it