Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.

“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”

911: 911

Me: I’m being chased

911: in your car?

Me: no in theirs

911: wh—

Me: how do I turn the sirens on?

this is one of the best threads in twitter history

DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.

INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control

It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.

The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.

DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.

Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.

You: Would you like a keto burger?

My Anaconda: No.

me: sorry for speeding officer

cop: you’re parked

me:

cop: in the intersection

me: I can smell your thoughts

cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles

My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.

Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together

Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.

Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.

Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”

You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.

White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere

People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.

I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.

I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.

Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”

The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.

“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.

[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*

I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level

4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?

Me: Bat cheese?

4: Yes

Me: Bat. Cheese?

4: Yes. Bat cheese.

Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?

4: For my car

Me:

4:

Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!

4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄

HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.