Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lmao

WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?

~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot

Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.

Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.

I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me

Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.

Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island

he’s sick of your bullshit today

Red Bull gives you wings.

Sugar Daddy gives you things.

[Starbucks Assassins Inc]

CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John

BARISTA: [writes] Jamie

C: Ok. Memorise it

B: [eyes shut] Janet

My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement

The toothpick museum hates to see me and my mini chainsaw coming.

“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”

Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.

[War of 1812]

American: Let’s invade the British North.

Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?

A: idgaf

LATER:

The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store

I made popcorn.

Teen smelled popcorn.

I no longer have popcorn.

I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.

I can’t wait.

Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling

My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.

* scratches *

Damn.

Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..

Every Christmas when I was a kid Santa Claus would use the exact same wrapping paper as my mom. At first it was kind of neat, but through the years it seemed creepy, like he was stalking her.

4: Mommy, I need a snack

Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!

4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.

Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?

4:…. YESSSS

Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?

A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.

You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me

I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.