Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.

[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine

I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.

To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice

girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!

My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.

idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah

If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again

Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.

Carl: Cold out night.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.

Me: Fair enough.

forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene

Ain’t no way

ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?

Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.

“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.

7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.

Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?

Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.

I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.

When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.

The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.

Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean

birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot

Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind

Rainbows

Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.

CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea

I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.

I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.

-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”

If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager

Staying with my parents, pt. 17:

Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.

Mom: …

Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?

Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.