[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
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Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Follow me for more life hacks.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you